Back home.

Well, I'm back at home, not my mom's hometown but one of the biggest city in this side of the world. I left Canada almost a week ago.
I hope I can go back to Canada, I feel so weird here, I think this is not my place...
One day my application for restoration of my visitor status was rejected and now I'm here, waiting for my friend to pick me up to go out and drink a beer... even if I feel like I'm getting a little bit sick, I really wanna go out, just need fresh air.
Last night I refused to have sex with a girl... just lied to her, I said I didn't have condoms but I had, maybe I was not in the mood. Maybe next time I won't refuse her, maybe I will say one more lie.
Waiting, waiting and waiting. That's all I do.
Today I took a wrong direction on the subway. Twice. My head is just not here...

An elephant.

When I was about 5 years old, my mom couldn't afford a spring costume for me, my teacher was making one and I tough it was for me. I was wrong.
Sometimes I still want that costume, sometimes still want something happen to me, like magic, just want something come up and changes my life.
I was dating to this girl (who I will call S), we were boyfriend and girlfriend for about 3 days, then, somethings happen, things she didn't like about me, and I think, things I didn't like about her. Then she asked me for some time to think about our relationship, we were "dating friends". Then, some other things happen... one day, she came to me to talk, was early morning, we were on brake time in our job, and she told me she realized she just feel me as a friend, and that she had a new boyfriend: her ex best friend (a coworker too).
Last week was my birthday, some friends took me to Tobermory, Sauble Beach and many other places. Last week was my coworker's birthday too so I invited her, her friend, S, her boyfriend and to another friend. In the end, only my coworker and her friend came. It was a good night, some beers and lots of food.
S is so pretty, she is beautiful, and also she is a nice girl... But I'm tired, I've lost count of how many times, for one reason or another we make planes (now we are friends) and something happen and she cancels every single time, maybe this is the way things have to happen, maybe it's better this way...
So I'm not searching for a new girlfriend, but anyway I would like if a nice girl knocks my door and says 'hi'.
All I need is love (and beer)...

Breaking news.

Well, I donno why I'm here when I have to set up my back pack. 1. Broke up with my girlfriend last week. 2. Sent e-mail to immigration, they don't answer yet, but everything goes just fine. 3. Dating someone else. 4. Heat wave is just crazy, I can barely think. 5. Little sad because of my ex. 6. So happy coz I really like this girl I'm dating. Well, that's all for now.

Alone.

First: No answer of government, so I'm still waiting... What else can I do? Second: I'm home alone, she went to vacations this week. Third: I'm starving... Fourth: It's so hot and humid this days, I can barely think. Fifth: I would like to know how many words do I say per day... I'm a silence guy. I like the feeling of no words coming out of my mouth.

Long weekend.

So here I am, Saturday, 3:10pm.
For breakfast, I just ate tea and cookies. Some chips for lunch.
She's bleeding and I'm happy. That means she's not pregnant. As usual, she's sleeping.
Yesterday we went to College st. to celebrate her last day of job. Her work permit is over.
I want a bike so hard. In College st. I watched some abandoned bikes. Is it illegal to take one? I want an abandoned one. I'll tune it up and ride it with proud. The problem for me is to brake off the chain or open the lock.
I need a project.

Still here...

I can't break up with her. I'm still in Canada. I send my application to extend my visa and the haven't answer yet. I'm waiting and waiting... What else can I do?
Anyway, If they say "yes" I may can get a work permit. I really wanna pay taxes and be a good "citizen", I wanna make things the right way. I came here to make a life, a better life.
But if they say no... I just donno what to do next... go back home is not a choice. I don't wanna go there defeated, nobody's chasing me, is just I think this is my place.
Today was a lazy day. I didn't take a shower, eat or get off bed... my back hurts... lol.

Chances.

The government says I "must leave Canada immediately".
I won't, I'm gonna apply again so I can "restore my visitor status", if not... let's see...
The sad part? Maybe is time to broke up with my girlfriend... I just realized that she's not the right for me and I can't make her lose her time, I'll be sad, this would be hard for her too, she's a good girl, she doesn't deserve a guy like myself. I don't want to break her heart, but that's inevitable.
I was looking for a free psychotherapist on internet, nobody. Maybe I need one.

Keep going.

I have found a new job, a crappy one, at least it looks like they pay (less than minimum wage, btw). At least is something to keep breathing.
I'm doing two things at the time, writing cover letters and watching this TV show where this guy helps people and their dogs...
I surprised myself smiling about what they were doing/saying at the screen because I remembered something about "la Duquesa" (the Duchees), a female dog we (the family) have many years ago, she was such a great dog.
Now, I would like a cat.
Maybe tomorrow there will be snow so there's no job. I'm gonna sit here, all day long, writing more cover letters and attaching my resume...
I hope something hook up... or at least, somebody answer.

Desperated.

I lost my job last Monday, It's just not fair, I've worked hard for that company, I really did. Anyway is not their fault, they keep me there until they could, but the job is over for now.
I've been looking for a job, I repeat to myself that is a great opportunity to find a better job. And in fact it is, because I get comfortable where I was and I stop searching, just waiting for something to come down from the sky.
The sad part that I went to 2 interviews, one was bad, one not so bad. And I sent about 60 e-mails with my resume, nobody has answered yet, I walked from Spadina to Lansdowne on Bloor and nobody needs anything.
Next Wensday, If I haven't found anything, I'll go with some friends, they have something to do, but that will be for free.
I hope I can find something soon... I have air for about 7-8 weeks...

Marriage.

A little bit more than a year ago I was so in love, now she is engage.
I would give everything for her, maybe is just she fucks so good.
Maybe is just Friday night and I'm alone, maybe is this "Canadian" I've drunk.
I hope she is happy, as I am now.
Cheers!

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish to have a family to have some to share my life with...
Sometimes I wish to have a girlfriend to have someone to share my life with...
Sometimes I feel not so good at all...
Sometimes...
I have my family, but things are not "that way" with them.
I have my girlfriend, but things are not "that way" with her.
I mean, maybe is just me.